Posts Tagged ‘ Nudity ’

Assassin’s Creed 2: Revenge of the Guido

Assassin’s Creed 2

Because of some outcry from my previous post, due to the fact that I had the audacity to put AC2 on a worst sequel list, I thought I’d give the game another chance and play it a touch more. Having endured the game from start to finish I look back and wish I’d had something better to do during my weekend. There are a very few moments that I can look back and think “Well…that was fun.” And the few there were the game was quick to make me forget. But, I digress.

Look Familiar?

Assassin’s Creed 2 and I had a gentleman’s understanding: I would do what I wanted to and enjoy myself a little bit and would then, on occasion, acquiesce and do what the game wanted me to, an act much akin to torture. You play as Ezio, the hero assassin from Midwestern Italy, who happens to be a Guido a bit ahead of his time. Seriously, a bad Italian accent, double popped collar, gold chain and, eventually, a goatee! Doesn’t he just belong on Jersey Shore? Add this trailblazer to the otherwise sub-par acting from the rest of the cast to get a truly unpleasant experience. Why everyone talks in English throwing in bits of Italian at random is beyond me. I would have much preferred if it had been spoken entirely in Italian or no attempts at all were made to insert it so that I could at least know what language they were supposed to be speaking. Acting aside, I find the story to be horrendously boring. There’s nothing to congeal the entire affair into a single cohesive story. Instead, Ezio just kinda runs around killing people, never with a clear goal besides sweet Italian revenge on his mind.

I'm a bad mother-SHUT YO MOUTH

On top of that, AC2 feels poorly shoehorned in to fit the already awkward Assassin’ Creed storyline. I suppose that’s why the Desmond sequences are few and far between (read 3). Those were one of my favorite parts about the original game, running around, stealing pens, finding creepy writing on the wall, fun times. In the second, you get a face full of Ezio and his time consuming side quests. There’s no point to doing any of the optional things, unless you’re into watching some creepy naked people run around…weirdo. I suppose you could do the quests if you wanted the sweet payday, but that is pretty much pointless. Once Ezio arrives at his uncles Villa money becomes utterly meaningless. You’ve got so much of the stuff you’re practically throwing it away, which is coincidentally a pretty effective distraction. Don’t have enough for that sword? Just wait 20 minutes for the money to come rolling in. I like the idea of resource systems as long as they remain relevant after you gain access to them. And make sure you renovate the brothel first.

Graphics wise, it doesn’t look much better than its predecessor. Yes, the faces have been significantly improved but the effects and everything else have not. In a game where killing people in dramatic close ups is a feature I’d expect blood to have better splatter effects than a watermelon at a Gallagher show. The sound effects are really disappointing as well. I am unsure what the issue was, but there were so many missed cues for sounds, from sword clanks to hearty cheers of victory. Sound is normally something that should not be noticed unless it’s done poorly, so I guess that’s one place AC2 succeeds.


Speaking of things that haven’t been improved, the combat is still ridiculously simple to win at. Forever. You can still get through every single fight in the game by defending until you can counter. There aren’t even tricky counters to pull off like in the previous game. At least until you get to the enemies that simply cannot be countered, Ubisoft’s fix to the combat system. This can be solved by dropping your weapons and taking theirs. Same principle, easier execution *ba dum tish*. Similarly, there seems to also be a downgrade to the free running parkour controls. I can’t place the blame squarely on Ezio, but sometimes I really don’t want to jump into the river.

Zoom zoom ZOOOOM

And the flying sequence…I don’t get it. I’ve heard through the grapevine that it was the funnest thing in the game and I only found it boring. Sure, he’s flying in a thingy created by Leonardo Da Vinci, but it’s trivial and unchallenging, something which can be applied to most of the rest of the game. There’s no challenge to any of it. At best it can be infuriatingly frustrating but nothing else. And it’s never the player’s fault that something is difficult, it’s the wonky camera or funky controls that are the culprit.

Overall, I leave Assassin’s Creed 2 in its place at 3rd worst sequel as previously stated. It wasn’t fun and I wish I had had something better to do with my weekend. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be getting back to my E3 coverage.


Bayonetta: A story of Sin and…well just that.

I suggest you watch this at least once, for hilarity.

I started playing Bayonetta with few, if any, preconceived notions about it in my mind. I knew that she user her hair to clothe and kill things and that the game had an M rating for blood and gore, ‘intense’ violence, strong language, suggestive themes, and, the crowd favorite, partial nudity. As of this point I’m sure that the naughty bits were included solely to get the game to M and make this a must have for pre-pubescent teens with a slow internet connection.

The game starts off with you and some other person (presumably a witch) falling on a clock tower killing angels. There’s some backstory but you don’t notice that because you are KILLING ANGELS! First, disregard any notion of what you think God’s most holy servants and army look like because, according to SEGA, you are wrong. Angels are not some beautified version of a human or anything close. They’re eagles. Kinda. They resemble something that would happen if an eagle, a crusader, and a lava lamp had a three-way, which, considering the overall theme of Bayonetta would not be an entirely impossible idea.

This is what a devout life gets you.

What Zero Punctuation’s Yahtzee say’s about the game’s fetishized tendencies is entirely true. You have a woman wrapped in skin tight…hair who prances around taking it off for you, the player, to see every press a button.

This is a common occurrence for Bayonetta.

She walks in what can only be described as a “Stripper runway strut.” Consumable items are all lollipops which she sensuously sucks during every cutscene where she has one. She even has glasses and a bun for the “sexy librarian” crowd. Even in the first scene of the game you are treated with her exploding out of a nuns robe and then giving you a close up of every conceivable angle of her adult parts for about 10 minutes while she beats on some Angels. If you so desire you can pick up a weapon from a defeated enemy and swing around it as though that’s how you make your living at night, kicking and shooting things also of course. I think my favorite part, however, is when I had to pull a lever. No you might think “What’s so bad about that?” She could have easily just pulled the lever with her hair or arms like a sane person but no. Bayonetta decided that the only way to pull it was to kick her leg up, wrap around the pole and bend over backwards to close the loop. (see it here)

As far as the gameplay goes, it is incredibly simple and I can otherwise only bridge parallels between it and Devil May Cry, minus the incredibly difficult part. You have a large number of combos available but you end up using the one that only requires you mash the Punch button until a demonic leg comes out from your hair and kicks whatever you were punching’s ass and the a few of the techniques you can buy from the store, all of which end with (literally) a snapshot of Bayonetta in a suggestive pose for a second. As for the store you buy things using red orbs halos that you collect from defeated enemies and benches and crates and flowerpots and everything else in the world. I have no idea who decided that halos were a “Very Rare” metal because you deal with these things in the thousands. The cheapest thing costs 5000 halos and techniques cost at least 15k. I’m sure that Rodin (pronounced Rodan), the proprietor of the Gates of Hell bar and store, is shafting you and selling these things for a serious profit in the Inferno (read hell), though I suppose you get what you can when you are fighting the armies of God.

“Sorry, I need to buy more lollipops.”

I think. It is never really clear what is going on in Bayonetta. From what I’ve seen Bayonetta woke up in a coffin at the bottom of a lake 20 years ago and has been fighting angels to avoid being dragged back to hell. Then some stuff happens and you see a lot of fanservice. I hope that once I finish the game I’ll understand why I was fighting a two headed dragon in a church only to have part of the church (the part with you in it) ripped from the ground and flown around, climaxing (yes, that’s the technical term) in you throwing the church back at him after a dreaded quick time even or Press X to not die sequence. Generally speaking, I would miss such events the first time every time because they just pop up randomly so that you don’t finish without seeing the “sorry you died” scene and racking up a skull and crossbones continue (which costs you style points at the end of a level and nothing else).

Despite all that the game is surprisingly entertaining and fun to play. I am continually surprised by each astoundingly awesome move that Bayonetta comes up with. Nothing is more satisfying that watching a difficult boss be destroyed by a gigantic spinning torture wheel, or other such devices. Once you get past the fact that she is shooting guns from her feet (my answer is she’s a witch) you realize how cool it is that she is shooting guns from her feet and you don’t question it. If you want story, character development, or anything artsy save yourself 50 dollars and go buy Killer 7. If you do want a game that entertains and lets you battle Angels with bondage gear get Bayonetta. Just don’t let your girlfriend see it or she will think you are cheating on her.

I don’t know where she keeps that.
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